Think Long and Hard Before You Bump.

A few weeks back I decided to really pamper myself. I went to a fantastic yoga class, got a massage and then popped over to good ol' Larchmont to get a sandwich one dreams about from Larchmont Delicatessen. As I strolled on inside donning my best workout attire and a rocking hairstyle after my sweet head massage, I perused the shelves for a tasty snack while I waited in line to order. I decided that I would try a brand of coconut water that I had never had before to try another attempt at figuring out what all the fuss was about. As I was reading the back of the box (yes, this brand came in a juice box looking container), I heard a man's voice say, "That stuff is disgusting, don't do it". I looked up to see a somewhat attractive, late 20's man-boy staring at my coconut water and smirking. I quickly thanked him for the tip and put it back on the shelf as I looked for something else that was going to quench my insatiable thirst. "That rasbberry sparkling lemonade on the other hand, now THAT is good" he added.

"I'm so glad you were here to suggest that" I replied, "I would be standing here all day trying to decide what to get".

He leaned over so his head was right next to mine and said, "It's an important decision you have to make. These sandwiches are so good you have to make sure you have the perfect beverage to wash it down with".

I looked down at my feet for a moment to ask myself, why is he still talking to me? I appreciated his sarcastic manner and Cheshire cat grin but although I felt fantastic, I really couldn't have looked worse. I swallowed my insecurity and decided what the hell? I chatted it up with this guy in line for the next 10 minutes or so and after he got his sandwich he disappeared around the corner. He was a nice guy - very personable - just made his way over to Larchmont from West Hollywood because this place is that good and he hadn't been in awhile. I grabbed my turkey caprese sandwich and headed to the checkout counter right as he was paying. As he turned to leave I extended my hand and said, "Hey - it was nice to meet you. I'm Jackie by the way". He smiled and said, "Pleasure was mine. Have a good one". I finished paying the cashier and was rifling through my purse for my keys when I heard, "Hey Jackie!". I turned and literally walked into to the guy who was apparently right at my heels. "I'm gonna grab a table outside, would you like to join me"?

Not really I said to myself. But this just happened to be one of those movie moments so I swallowed my negativity and said, "Sure, why not!" We sat at a cute cafe table outside and discussed what we do for work, where we live, and what we do for fun. It all seemed pretty perfect. As I wrapped up the second half of my sandwich to take home he asked, "What are you doing right now?" I told him I was headed home to relax and refresh before that evenings festivities. "Aw, that's too bad" he said, "I was going to suggest that we go back to your place but you have a roommate, so...".

Awkward silence... "Um, yeah" I responded in a strange tone. What was this guy thinking? He was gonna snarf down his tuna sandwich with me and then go back to my apartment for dessert? ! I brushed it off thinking he was trying to make a joke that wasn't that funny and then he asked, "Do you want to bump?"

I gasped, "Excuse me?!"

"You have an IPhone" he pointed. "Do you want to bump and exchange information? I'm asking for your number".

"Oh my god" I said red-faced and humiliated. "Of course".

We then "bumped" our phones together and as I was saving his number into my phone he asked "So, do you have a special place where you store hot guys phone numbers that you meet at sandwich shops"?

Yes, I thought to myself. They are stored right where it says "delete". I pulled myself together anxious to get out of there as he stood up for a hug. "Let's get together sometime soon" he suggested. As I drove away I received a text asking me to go walk in the park and lay in the sun with him. Weird. I told him I already had plans but thanks for asking and then questioned if he actually was a douche bag. Maybe he was nervous and was saying stupid things and was trying to make up for it. After all, who doesn't enjoy a nice walk in the park? I restored my positive thinking for the rest of the evening hoping maybe I had just met a guy who was as spectacularly awkward as myself. That positivity was crapped on when I received a text at 12:oo am asking if I wanted to have a midnight rendevous.

In classic Chelsea Handler fashion, What.... an ass. Moral of the story? Don't bump just anybody. You will regret it. He's now got my number forever.